New shop today, which would have been an ideal ‘new page’ and pull me out of this slump… except I got to work and realised I’d forgotten my short acting insulin at home. Bummer. So I increasingly felt more crappy throughout the day, and because my blood sugars had invariably been raised all day (I also ran out of test strips yesterday so have been guessing my doses anyways) I’ve had crazy cravings for food.
Whatever. Seriously. Thats my attitude. I’ve polished off half an egg and tomorrow will be back on the bandwagon, all weekend I’ve avoided counting calories on myfitnesspal. But everyone is allowed blips, before I’d have spent all week trying to recoup the calories, which leads to inevitable guilt trips. Not this time though!
Or an amplifier. I imagine myself walking into a room, assesing the mood and running with it, regardless of my own mood. So these last two shift that have been quiet and awkward and moody have just pulled me down to L’s level. Probably because I take it way too personally.
I finally asked him what his problem was, and he said he didnt know what I meant. So I said things have been moody and awkward the last three shifts. Does he call barely talking through a shift normal? (Literally any conversations have been started by me, but when he mate is their he’s chatty and jokey and acts like I’m not even there, just blatantly rude)
His response - ‘I don’t always talk you know…’
And then back to silence.
I wish I could just brush it off, rise above it. But I find it difficult.
Also after the incident yesterday I called the staffing manager and asked her not to send me to that shop for a couple of weeks saying an incident had knocked my confidence and I felt intimidated. And I did this in front of L so he knew the effect Sunday night had on me.
How do people end up in relationship after relationship after relationship and I can’t find a single person to even find me remotely interesting for a solid ten seconds?
Today has been a really shitty day. Like off the frigging scale, its been ‘I need a hug bad’ and anyone who knows me, knows that means pretty bad.
Work was shit for a start, I was working with L so I knew it was gonna be pretty lame, and I’d readied myself for his persistent silent treatment but I let it stress me out as I sit their thinking ‘is it just me not talking? Maybe I should say something’, to ‘it’s definitely him being moody, whatever I can play this game too and not talk’. Bloody childish games.
Then a bared customer started having a go, and then because thr police never showed up to escort him out, all his gang started being intimidating - because if theres no consequence then they can pretty much do as they please. Now usually it wouldn’t have bothered me but the fact I was working with L and we had, well we had something, and he never helped me out, or spoke up for me, or backed me up, he just fucking let me take all this shit from a group of 15 or more abusive men. Well that really messed me up, so I was in a state walking home from work because it all just got to me.
I just, I just think no matter how much I may come to dislike someone, I will always respect them. I’d always help them out, or be polite. And he couldn’t even show me that common courtesy.